Friday, December 11, 2009

The Day I Exploded

October 17th, 2009 will be a date etched in my mind for the rest of my life. It was the day I got very ill.

It felt like bad indigestion at first for the first few hours and then the pain moved north into my chest and I really thought I might be having a heart attack.

The wife and I went up to the hospital and they took me back and checked my heart and could not find any issues. They took blood, took an x-ray and everything looked normal and so they gave me a prescription and told me that I might just have a stomach virus.

It was the middle of the night and so I went home and tried to sleep.

Waking up many hours later I discovered something new, the pain had moved and it moved way south east. I thought perhaps I just had a slight issue with intestines, but I had this nagging itch in the back of my brain.

Suddenly I heard a clear and well spoken and firm voice say "Get up, get dressed and go to the hospital." Where this voice came from I do not know, but I obeyed it.

The same hospital staff were there and same doctor came over and I told him what was going on. He diagnosed my appendix and ordered blood work. The blood tests came back negative and he thought it was important to immediately get me on an IV and admit me.

The surgeon on call just happened to be a surgeon I had seen for another surgery, everything was falling into place. I spent the rest of Sunday resting, Monday turned into "Turn Damien Into a Nightlight" day as every conceivable test was done with nuclear medicine.

It was determined that my gallbladder died a painful death and my appendix was going next. Surgery was scheduled for the very next day.

My family was there with me as they wheeled me out that Tuesday around noon and I remarked "Ahhh the easy part, I go to sleep and wake up all better."

Little did I know how much danger I was really in.

A six hour surgery later and I began waking up and I saw the looks on my family's faces and I knew something was wrong. They tried to tell me, but I was so heavily sedated that I do not recall.

The next day I learned that they started with my gallbladder and they removed it no problem, but when they got to the appendix it turned into an entire new procedure. The appendix had ruptured and ruptured my colon and then everything was simply leaking into my abdominal cavity.

They removed the appendix, fixed my colon and began the long and laborious procedure of cleaning out my insides.

I woke up barely able to move with a JP drain sticking out of my side.

My life was in danger and I did not even know it. As I lie there in the hospital, I realized it was difficult to get worked up about it as I was safe then. I would lie in there for hours with nothing to do but make my peace with God.

My journey never ended in my seeking him, it just changed I guess. I tried to give up, but there I was and we had a moment together and I was at peace.

So, I am back with a new lease on life and some minor goals to get me progressing.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Daily Reminder

So, I have to remember to look at everything good around me.

What I am about to write is in no way meant to be "tooting me own horn". It is not meant to make myself appear superior to anyone else.

No, it is a reminder to myself that my daily life becomes better and better with the understanding that there is good all around me.

Looking back to the hell of last year I see things now that I did not realize then.

  1. I have a strong and close knit family. I love my children and wife dearly and when I was at my lowest point.. they were there for me.

  2. I have an awesome job. I love the work that I do and I do a good job. People rely on me and seek out my opinion and guidance. I have a close working relationship with the managers, directors and supervisors.
Looking forward now, the wife and I are now out of all major debt with the exception of our mortgage. No credit card debt... hey, no credit cards either. No car payment... nothing financed. So much money has been freed up and with the economy the way it is, this will help.

In fact, speaking of the economy my family has had little to no impact. We live simply, our entertainment includes board games, video games, a NetFlix account.

The wife creates the best dishes from the most basic staples, so shopping has not changed for us.

And the kids are doing awesome in their home schooling... being that they are dyslexic the work books we bought have vastly helped their reading ability and my eldest two are able to test. Something I never could do and I did not realize I am dyslexic until a couple of months ago. I wish I had known this... I would have been able to get help and do better in school.

The wife is lovely as ever... she is thoughtful, kind, patient, understanding, smart, witty and she can keep up the alcohol consumption with me.

Fellas, let me tell you... I don't drink to get drunk... I drink to get a nice warm buzz and then I only drink to maintain it. The wife is a pro at this as well... it is good to always have someone who drinks with you, watches action movies with you, is just as goofy as you.

Her strength helps me.

Friday, March 6, 2009

The First Step was a Doozy.. I Cought on Fire, There were Flames and Smoke

I took some steps forward two weeks ago and then crashed, burned and fell on my face.

Oh I should perhaps talk about my intent. My intent is to find my spiritual home at this point... to find perhaps where it is God is taking me.

In the last year, I sought God, I yelled at God, I gave up on him... and then he gave me the old spiritual wake up back hand.

God powdered up his grooming hand and sent my head spinning.

So now, I am seeking the questions that I want answers to. Yes you read the correctly... I am no longer looking for the answers. Now I am seeking the questions themselves. I have to start somewhere right?

Two weeks ago I needed to find something. So I stumbled upon a website that dealt with religion and the geek that is me. The site was meant for all sects, branches and denominations of Christianity. At least that is what they wrote on their site, however age old animosities between branches pop up here and there. Especially in the form of self righteous condemnations towards Catholics.

Oh call me funny, so far all the doctrine of the Catholic church has made sense to me and has been sound and there is the fact that the wife and the kids are Catholic so my disappointment towards that community was pretty heavy.

I am perhaps tackling this all wrong.

Perhaps, and this idea is literally hitting me as I write this... perhaps I should find my questions and then ask various religious leaders those questions. This should, in sound theory through past experiences, lead me to new questions. This is a fantastic idea.

Now to contemplate the questions.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

The Return of the Swing

So... the world has changed, the music has changed, I have changed.

I guess the blog ain't so dead anymore.

Since I stormed out in anger... my uncle had suffered an aneurysm and was in a coma for a month back in fall.

The wife kept trying to comfort me as it looked more and more certain that he would die. She kept saying "Pray about it" and "God is watching him". I lost it... I actually told her that if there is a God he is going to have to prove himself to me. I wanted me uncle to sit right up and start talking, we as a family deserved some good news for once and I was sick of us being dumped on.

I had no faith left. I was drained and at the very bottom, I could go no lower. I passed the point where I had been angry at God, I was at the point where I simply no longer believed that he existed.

The doctors kept talking to us about "getting ready" and "he won't last much longer" when I told my wife that God will have to prove to me he exists.

Several days later my Uncle woke up from his coma...sat up and started talking and I was in desperate need to change my drawers.

Days after he woke up they moved him out of ICU into therapy and a few days after that he went home... a few weeks after that he was driving again.

Now, besides an issue with one of his eyes and his drastic weight loss you would never have known he was critically ill.

And my own foundation was rocked to the core.
A new year now... and I figured it was time to be a bit more open.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

This Blog Is Now Closed

I am done looking for the answers and seeking truth. I am done. I have been looking for the reason of God in my life and truly and honestly seeking him. However my life is turning into a cartoon version of Job's.

My air in my house went out yesterday, the estimates for repairs is sitting at $1300.

I have to provide a safe and suitable place for my family and I honestly do not know how I am going to pay $1300 for AC repairs. And I cannot see beyond the color red in my eyes to the existence of a loving and merciful God when my life has been turned upside down and inside out with the deaths of my brother, my son and the inability I have to care for my family when disaster strikes.

I am done seeking. I am done looking... I am angrier and madder than I have ever been in my life. I don't see his mercy... I don't see his compassion... I don't see his gentle touch in our lives...

I hate feeling this way...

This blog is closed... as my life, right now, is done seeking God. I really don't want to seek him right now. I don't want to hear about prayers or his goodness or his kindness. I feel as if there is no hope in life.

My family (Outside of my wife and kids) do not talk to me... my brothers, my father, my uncle... have nothing to do with me. I hurt so bad inside... I am at the point where I am just numb with grief.

Why? Why me? Why must my family suffer non stop? When is there a spring time in our lives? A summer of peace?
We never seem to have it.

Monday, July 28, 2008

An Update of Sorts

So I have fallen into the ebb of the blogging drive for me. Oh it will come back again, I am sure of it... but lately I think I am going through depression. I am not sitting around saying "Oh whoa is me!". I have lost my will and drive to do anything but work and watch tv.

I am very moody and snappy and I am honestly not sure how to get out of this.

Since December so much has gone on in my life and it is taking it's toll.

I am not sure, but I suspect that my health is taking it's toll from this as well. Should my knee still be aching this much? I went to the store yesterday to pick up some food and about halfway through the store I noticed I was dragging my leg again as if I had the surgery two weeks ago.

But back to my drive, my motivation... it is almost completely sucked out of me. Things that used to bring my happiness and joy are shallow and empty. Food tastes like ash, sleep is restless and when I concentrate on work I cannot come up with anything innovative. My work, instead of being such a fun challenge is turning into monotony. I am cranking out good things, but I am just doing the normal work. I have not been thinking "How can I make this better?", I have been thinking "When is this going to be done?".

I do not like this. I just want to sit and watch tv, play video games and I have no strength to move.

I started to do something yesterday, I was folding laundry... and the wife came in to give me bad news about our lawn mower... what did I do? I shut off, spun around, gave up on laundry and fired up Call of Duty IV.

I am so stressed I am near paranoia.

What was that sound? Are clowns coming to eat me?
I apologize for my quietness.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

How Does He Work In Our Lives?

As I said before, I am a deist in my beliefs. I believe that there is a God, I just do not believe that he interacts with us.

How does God work in our lives?

How has he worked in your own personal life?