Tuesday, July 29, 2008

This Blog Is Now Closed

I am done looking for the answers and seeking truth. I am done. I have been looking for the reason of God in my life and truly and honestly seeking him. However my life is turning into a cartoon version of Job's.

My air in my house went out yesterday, the estimates for repairs is sitting at $1300.

I have to provide a safe and suitable place for my family and I honestly do not know how I am going to pay $1300 for AC repairs. And I cannot see beyond the color red in my eyes to the existence of a loving and merciful God when my life has been turned upside down and inside out with the deaths of my brother, my son and the inability I have to care for my family when disaster strikes.

I am done seeking. I am done looking... I am angrier and madder than I have ever been in my life. I don't see his mercy... I don't see his compassion... I don't see his gentle touch in our lives...

I hate feeling this way...

This blog is closed... as my life, right now, is done seeking God. I really don't want to seek him right now. I don't want to hear about prayers or his goodness or his kindness. I feel as if there is no hope in life.

My family (Outside of my wife and kids) do not talk to me... my brothers, my father, my uncle... have nothing to do with me. I hurt so bad inside... I am at the point where I am just numb with grief.

Why? Why me? Why must my family suffer non stop? When is there a spring time in our lives? A summer of peace?
We never seem to have it.

Monday, July 28, 2008

An Update of Sorts

So I have fallen into the ebb of the blogging drive for me. Oh it will come back again, I am sure of it... but lately I think I am going through depression. I am not sitting around saying "Oh whoa is me!". I have lost my will and drive to do anything but work and watch tv.

I am very moody and snappy and I am honestly not sure how to get out of this.

Since December so much has gone on in my life and it is taking it's toll.

I am not sure, but I suspect that my health is taking it's toll from this as well. Should my knee still be aching this much? I went to the store yesterday to pick up some food and about halfway through the store I noticed I was dragging my leg again as if I had the surgery two weeks ago.

But back to my drive, my motivation... it is almost completely sucked out of me. Things that used to bring my happiness and joy are shallow and empty. Food tastes like ash, sleep is restless and when I concentrate on work I cannot come up with anything innovative. My work, instead of being such a fun challenge is turning into monotony. I am cranking out good things, but I am just doing the normal work. I have not been thinking "How can I make this better?", I have been thinking "When is this going to be done?".

I do not like this. I just want to sit and watch tv, play video games and I have no strength to move.

I started to do something yesterday, I was folding laundry... and the wife came in to give me bad news about our lawn mower... what did I do? I shut off, spun around, gave up on laundry and fired up Call of Duty IV.

I am so stressed I am near paranoia.

What was that sound? Are clowns coming to eat me?
I apologize for my quietness.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

How Does He Work In Our Lives?

As I said before, I am a deist in my beliefs. I believe that there is a God, I just do not believe that he interacts with us.

How does God work in our lives?

How has he worked in your own personal life?