Tuesday, July 29, 2008

This Blog Is Now Closed

I am done looking for the answers and seeking truth. I am done. I have been looking for the reason of God in my life and truly and honestly seeking him. However my life is turning into a cartoon version of Job's.

My air in my house went out yesterday, the estimates for repairs is sitting at $1300.

I have to provide a safe and suitable place for my family and I honestly do not know how I am going to pay $1300 for AC repairs. And I cannot see beyond the color red in my eyes to the existence of a loving and merciful God when my life has been turned upside down and inside out with the deaths of my brother, my son and the inability I have to care for my family when disaster strikes.

I am done seeking. I am done looking... I am angrier and madder than I have ever been in my life. I don't see his mercy... I don't see his compassion... I don't see his gentle touch in our lives...

I hate feeling this way...

This blog is closed... as my life, right now, is done seeking God. I really don't want to seek him right now. I don't want to hear about prayers or his goodness or his kindness. I feel as if there is no hope in life.

My family (Outside of my wife and kids) do not talk to me... my brothers, my father, my uncle... have nothing to do with me. I hurt so bad inside... I am at the point where I am just numb with grief.

Why? Why me? Why must my family suffer non stop? When is there a spring time in our lives? A summer of peace?
We never seem to have it.


nightfly said...

There are no shortage of us stooges on the web (or out in real life) who can answer a question with a platitude, or to say "chin up" or "everything will be all right" or some such blather. But the Scriptures say that the God who made us knew better and gave us the only answer that works: He took on our life and lived it, and suffered right along with us. He too lost his family and friends, was rejected, betrayed, "had no place to lay His head," and was eventually killed. And He also asked why God had forsaken Him. In the end there is only one Answer, and He is God made Man.

Sometimes that's all that's left - not to know (because some things are not knowable), but just to be known. If nothing else we have a God who suffers with us.

In the meantime, you need to see someone professional about your depression. I've been there and you seem to show many of the same symptoms - feeling helpless, checking out, physical symptoms that linger, wondering what the point of it all is. Whatever else you do, don't give up. Yeah, it's the last thing anyone wants to hear, but it's true. Shutting off is only temporary relief, and it wears off. You will not spare yourself any suffering or misery that way. It hurts to heal, but it hurts more (and longer) to stay injured, and eventually become crippled.

If you ever want to ask more questions - or just yell at me for replying - I'm a click away via email. Peace.

Therese Z said...

God bless you in this hard time (there's my platitude). But what else is there but God's Grace? The temporal stuff you're going through is all completely sucky. I agree with Nightfly - talking to someone else who can be objective and has seen real suffering would be really helpful. It doesn't have to be forever - when I was blindsided by divorce and ex's mental illness, I saw a counsellor only four times and I still remember some of what we talked about.

Peace, too.

Nina said...

I know how you feel. I really, really do. My relationship with God has been nothing but anger and fit throwing for a while now. The only prayer I pray is to not die before I get myself straightened out. It might take a long time for you to regain faith, but don't let go, either. I am no expert (and I am 50/50 could be wrong on this) but even a troubled relationship with God is better than none at all. Try to be gentle with yourself and keep trying. God bless.

Matt G said...

I know you don't feel like searching for God anymore. I'm not going to ask you to keep posting, and I'm not going to belittle your problems by offering meaningless words of solace. I just wanted to ask you to do one more thing before you give up your search, if you haven't done it yet. Pray.

I know it sounds like Yet Another Christian suggesting the usual crap, but believe me when I say it's not. You have approached God like any intelligent thinking person should. You've looked for evidence, questioned witnesses and logically deduced your way to Deism. You've dug deeper to see if there's anything to this love & forgiveness stuff and obviously you haven't seen any proof of it in your life. If there is a loving God who cares about us then this should be the point where He cares the most. Ask Him for help. It might feel a little ridiculous, but just think of it as one final experiment. Give God Himself the chance to present His case. It doesn't require faith. It just requires you to think, "God, I' don't know if you're there or not, but if you are, show me by giving me the help I need right now." You've got nothing to lose from trying.

JimmyV said...

As for my platitude. Shoot your TV.

Drusilla said...

Don't know if you'll get this comment but it's worth a shot:

I've asked 'why me' so many times and when I was ready to hear God responded: Because I am worth no more than anyone else. No more but no less either - I'm simply not exempt from being a fallen woman in a fallen world where peolpe get socked but all sorts of horrible experiences. Not a platitude, not easy, not fun - just reality and strangely, also reason for joy because though I am fallen and can be extremely angry at him, God continues to hang in there with me and sometimes I see that.

I'm sorry life has been so difficult for you and I hope by now it is better, and that, at least, you realize that even when things are f***ed up, God gives you what you need to perservere. God bless you. I'll pray for you and your family.